Still Thinking of You, Dad

Maybe you forgot about me,
Maybe you didn’t want to remember.
Maybe you rack your brain everyday,
Wondering if I ever think of you.

Maybe you ask yourself,
What does she think of me?
Maybe some days you think about looking for me,
Finding me,
Connecting to me.

Maybe you never do,
Maybe I’m just a distant memory to you,
Someone you never knew
And never wanted to.

Maybe I remind you of your past
And all the mistakes you’ve ever made.
I remind you of your debts
And all the shit you’ve never paid

I wonder if you wonder
If I look like you…
I wonder if you wonder
If I smile like you do…

Do you ever think of me?
Cuz I think of you.

Missing A Piece Of My Origin

I miss someone I never met
I’ve never seen
I’ve never heard
How can this be?
Years of tears whelling up in my eyes have taught me that no matter how much I say it doesn’t matter that I don’t know you
It does
It matters to me that you’re never around
& most likely you’ll never be around
Often times I feel as if a piece of me is missing
And I realize it is you
The other half from which I came
And every time I cry I feel so lame
I feel so stupid, I feel so dumb
Crying over a man who probably never even batted an eye for me

Mornings 🌺

Eyota Alana:

Introducing a good cyber friend of mine & all her amazing words.
CHECK! HER! OUT!

Originally posted on inthecloudsofthesoul:

I rise to find my grinder
I rise and find my soul
Today I choose to be a little kinder
Than I was the day before
each day is a new beginning
to put something to an end
It doesn’t matter how many you have –
If you can’t be your own friend

View original

Would You Regonize Me, Daddy?

If you saw me,
would you think of her?
Would you see her when you looked at me
Or would you see the stranger,
which I am to you.
Would you see yourself,
somewhere in my face?
Or in my hands,
or my hair?
Would you regonize your seed?
Even though it grew and blossomed long after you planted it?
Even though you never once watered it…

Would you look at me and not look twice,
as you walked past me,
continuing to leave me behind…
Or would you take that second look;
a furrow in your brow,
as you tried to remember where you knew me from,
your groin.
Would you think to yourself that I look familiar?
That I look like sombody that you used to know…
Somebody that you once
made a new life with,
that you let go of
never to return again.

Would you see me?
Or would you see through me,
looking for someone else?

Drifting Butterfly; the journey continues

I am like the butterfly,
Flying in the wind.
Against the grain,
Or for better visual
Air.

I am majestic,
Yet awkward,
As I make my way
Seemingly floating
Forwards and backwards
As I continue on my journey.

Some I will pass by without them noticing me;
For they are too busy in their own world or care not enough to pay attention to their surroundings.
Others will see me & look at me in awe,
Wondering from which I came & where I shall go.
While there will be a few who look at me & hate me,
simply for being a butterfly.

As I was once a caterpillar,
& so I have went through metamorphosis,
I have changed.
I am no longer inching my way through life,
Crawling on my belly
Hungry for something more.

No.
I am, a butterfly.
I am free to fly wherever I so please.
& whether you watch or not,
Be it in awe or jealousy,
I will continue on my journey.

Mermaids

You quenched this thirst I had; for love, affection and attention. You satisfied my need for living water with your ever flow of time, caring and love. It’s not just your sweet words, or your strong actions, it’s just everything about you. It’s the way you smile when you look at me, or say the most perfect things at just the most perfect time. It’s how you read my mind and gently caress my arm mere seconds after I think of how I want you to do just that. The way you say what I feel, the things I only whisper inside my head late at night when all the rest of the world is asleep. How you always hold the door open or stop to tie my shoelaces. It’s the attitude you never give me when I ask you to do something I am more than capable to do but am just being too lazy to do it myself. Never do you scuffle under your breath, or curse my name; or tell me to do it myself. It’s as if you live to please me but not in an overbearing clingy “I need you” sort of way, in a romantic gentlemanly kind of way. It’s more of a “I know that if you’re happy I am happy” kinda thing & we are always happy. Because even when something happens & we are upset we talk about it so there is never miscommunication; unless we’re talking about time, because we’re both always very late regardless. But before you I was parched, cotton mouthed & walking through the Sahara. And now, Now I feel like I am living in Atlantis. A mermaid forever swimming in your ocean of love.

 

Originally supposed to be published on July 10th 2014 @ 13:58, but I left it in my drafts, lol… if you knew me you’d know that was kinda typical of me. So 10 days later, but still on time. I hope you’ve enjoyed it, please leave comments below regardless of whether or not you did. I am always open to criticism as well as praise.

Morning Walks Turn Into Productive Writing Outlets

The sound of my pants rubbing together, wick wick wick, as a car engine roars somewhere in the not so far distance is mixed with the chirping of the birds. As I take a closer listen I rethink if that roar came from a car or a motorcycle because all I hear is more revving. Who would do that to their poor cars engine? I don’t believe anyone would knowingly screw up their engine like that. The more I listen the more it sounds like it could be a chopper. No not the metal birds which sometimes vacate the sky but one of those doorless vehicles which let you ride “wild & free”. That let’s you feel the wind rushing past you as your hair blows careless around, unless of course you’re being safe & wearing a helmet (which I highly recommend).

There is nothing like feeling the wind tousle your tresses. Feeling and watching your hair dance is something that shouldn’t just be talked about but felt. It is one of the reason why I myself like running with my hair down. To be able to feel my deep brown curls fluttering back and forth is a simple pleasure which I love to indulge in (if it’s not too hot of course, for then they will just end up sticking to my skin after being saturated by the salty sweat oozing from my pores). It is a feeling of being free.

Is that what it feels like to jump out of a plane? Is that why a lot of people like to bungee jump? That feeling of freeness. At this particular moment in life I haven’t had the nervous pleasure (nervous only in the way heights tend to make me feel & the thought of jumping from them..a bit nerve wrecking) in doing any of the latter. But I have ridden on the back of a motorcycle without a helmet. And I do enjoy running with my hair down and feeling the wind play in. And it is then that I feel free. It is there that the stresses of life can no longer reach me because I am with the wind.

Untold Feelings

You just upset, cuz I put you backseat to rappin
But you be out trappin
And I ain’t gettin mad
You only seem to have 3 feelings,
Glad, Angry and Sad
I think you might get that from ya dad
not expressing ya true feelings
You never really say how you feel
It’s like you feel it’s too revealing
When you feel unhappy
you don’t what to say
So you just go pretending
as if you don’t feel that way
But baby,
remember, I can’t read ya mind

Funny how we’re together
even tho we are apart
never together in the physical
but forever in my heart
I don’t get your attitude
even tho I always get it
you often start to say something
and then just say “forget it”.
So many times I’m left confused
wondering what it is I’ve done
to have you turn away from me
180 degrees you’ve done spun
I miss you
even when I’m staring at your face

 

 

 

Written 12/6/13? or somewhere around there, actual date not really sure. As always comments, criticisms and anything else are welcomed.

Thank You; to want or not to want, THAT is the question

So I get that you should do good things without seeking a reward. I understand that you should not long for recognition after doing a good deed. But what happens when you do something kind for someone repeatedly & they don’t bother with so much as a “Thank you”, which is all you really want? Would it be unjust to say to them, “You know, I’ve done this & this for you. I do this out of the kindness of my heart and expect nothing in return. But a “Thank you” would be really lovely to hear.”
I’m just thinking, for example, what if that person doesn’t get that they were being rude; what if they weren’t raised with manners, or their parent’s just never taught them to say thank you when someone does something kind for them or maybe they just plain ‘ol didn’t realize that they didn’t say thank you? Is it wrong to reiterate or to simply say something to the person about it? Or should one simply just not continue doing kind things for said person? Depending on the situation doesn’t the latter seem a bit harsh? “Because nobody says please, thank you or excuse me I will no longer do anything kind for anyone!” Isn’t that a bit cynical? (I get the irony of using cynical but this piece isn’t about self-interest)
Depending on the situation I would say “yes, you should stop further acts of kindness towards said person until manners improve.” But how will manners improve if the person doesn’t know that they need to? If the recipient of the act of kindness doesn’t see anything wrong with the way it is receiving it then how will they know they need to change the way they act once it’s received? How will they know to say “thank you” without being told that they should? This is where my (the) dilemma lies.
On the other hand to sound less cynical I would say “no, you shouldn’t stop further acts of kindness towards said person.” You are to do kind acts without wanting recognition. If you do something out of the kindness of your heart that is what it is, something done out of the kindness of your heart. It is not something done for a reward, be it physical*, material or verbal.
If I had three hands I would say “maybe you should just cut down on your acts of kindness towards said person so that hopefully when you do commit them they realize and are more thankful thus encouraging them to say it.” But how much do you think that would work? For your peace of mind at least you wouldn’t be doing as much as you used to.
Maybe after reading all of this you still don’t understand my point. Let’s say everyday that you go to work you always reach the front door mere seconds before another employee. And everytime you always hold the door for that employee. And everytime that employee doesn’t say thanks, give you a smile, or acknowledge your kind act. There’s no “Hey thanks for holding the door”, “Thank you” or even so much as a “Thanks”. How would that make you feel? Would you stop wanting to hold the door for that person?

Is a “Thank You” too much/little to want? Should we not want or expect anything whatsoever in return for acts of good?

*by physical I mean a hug, a smile, a head nod, kiss or a high5. But depending on who the act of kindness was preformed on it could also mean a smack on the butt, or anything else sexually related.

Forever at a Glance

I can see forever with you. And when I say forever I don’t just mean a few years and maybe a child. I mean I foretell our future. I have visions of us getting married and the smile on your face when I walk down the aisle to give myself to you for the rest of my life is like nothing I’ve ever seen before. When I finally reach you I pinch myself so that I know it is real and then I close my eyes to kiss you and when I open them back up we are in the park walking with our children. I’m pushing the stroller with the newborn and you are a few steps ahead of me holding the hand of our chatty and excited toddler. You are such a great dad, constantly cracking jokes and making our children as happy as you make me. You look back and smile at me a second later you race with the toddler to the swing sets. We are on our Saturday Stroll to the park. We will spend a few hours here before going to get something for lunch and then maybe building a pillow fort and do some arts & crafts in the living room. And as you come up behind me, as we watch our children playing in the sandbox, and hug me I close my eyes. When I open them again we are packing our youngest up for college. The car is stuffed with a bunch of things our youngster will need and we’re all piling into the car. I’m about to cry because our baby is leaving and now we will have an empty nest. You look at me and stroke my face and tell me that everything is fine and I’m just being over emotional. I tell you that you’re right and you remind me that I can now have the yoga studio I’ve always wanted in the basement. You can always make me smile when I want to cry. I close my eyes as you turn the radio on. I open my eyes and we’re in rocking chairs on our front porch. I look over at you and notice that your face has aged but still you are beauty perfected. You notice me staring so intently and you ask me if I would like something to drink. I say no with a slight shake of my head. You ask me if there is anything I want & I tell you “all I want is for you to hold me” for I am old and my body weak. You take me to the bedroom and we lay down, we are spooned with me in the front. You brush my hair back from my face and kiss my ear and I close my eyes to you telling me that you love me more than anything in the whole world.

Beginning and Ending with You

You expand my horizons. You are the compass to my dreams. The thought of you is honey, sweet & sticky. I could stare forever into your brown eyes and tell you how much I care. I could spend eternity in your arms. When you place your lips against mine, I get weak and, my knees start to shake; between a rock and a hard place I am whenever I am not with you.

Love Sick And Blind

You get mad and say things you later apologize for
Then get angry at me when I ask why’d you say them for…
Love is a sickness
& I can’t find a cure
Cuz you add insult to injury
& I just keep coming back for more
Go ahead & continue
Breaking my heart
That’s the inevitable ending
I shoulda seen from the start
But they say love is blind
& I couldn’t see

 

Written on
November 30th, 2013
11:45 PM

I Can’t Let Go Just Yet

You know in your arms
is where I wanna be
You opened up your heart to love
but then you set me free
And I don’t wanna be here
so far away from you
But fate is so cruel,
what am I to do?
I miss your voice
and the sounds it makes
when you say I love you
Shit that’s all it takes
to get me
to come running back
You stay running through my mind
like you running track
I question if your legs are tired yet
You ask what do I mean
It’s cuz you stay running through my brain
Like you was Forrest, Green
that mean go
But I don’t wanna leave
Trey Songz, Mario
How do I breathe?
Without you by my side,
without you in my life?
They say I should just let go
But it just don’t feel right
All I want is you,
You’re all (that) I want.

 

 

This was written on
December 7th 2013
6:40 PM

Dripping

Her lips were as red as the blood which spelt from between them. Through the gurgling noise I could barely make out what she said but think I could hear “Tell him I love him”, her last word spoken as I watched the river of blood dripping down the side of her face. A few moments later her body went into convulsions and she died, shaking in my arms. My salty tears wouldn’t be contained behind the great dam know as my eyes. She had given the ultimate sacrifice for love, her life.

 

 

 

This poem/short story was written on November 29th, 2013.
I have a collection of writing that I have yet to post. Soon I will add them all. Thank you for reading and your continual support. I appreciate all types of feedback, both positive and negative; for all help me grow as a writer and creator.