Tears of frustration
Running down my face
As much as I feel I need it
I can’t help but hate this place
Mostly everyone’s a liar
They don’t really care
Never around to talk
When they always say “I’m here”
I’m here if you need me
What a fucking lie
I get so frustrated
Nothing helps but looking at the sky
At least it keeps the tears from falling
From falling out my eye
I hate this fucking place
So frustrated that I cry
You tell me now,
all the things I wanted to hear then.
When I read your words
my heart constricts and expands,
and it hurts;
a soft, sweet, gentle pain.
Oh, how I’ve waited
constantly thought about these words coming from you.
So much turmoil I am in.
For, at a moment in time I wanted nothing more than to have you say those exact words to me.
But now I cannot repeat them back to you.
I miss you, I do.
I can’t lie, it’s true.
But no longer am I so madly deeply hopelessly in love with you,
as I was then.
Now, I just have love for you.
Fuck all the sentimentals, it was something mental
I didnt just feel it in my heart but my mind and my soul
You said you felt the same thing
But you just let it go
& I was left wondering
What I did to make you want to go away
I was wondering if you ever would come back & if you did if I would ever hear you say
Just how much you missed me & loved me
& never wanted to let me go
Tell me all the things you felt about me
I was wondering when you would let me know
So I was sitting & waiting & wishing
On every star that I could find
Wondering when you would come back to fix the heart that you broke, which was mine.
You took your time
And I eventually lost all hope
I was strung out on your love
Like an addict on dope
I was addicted to you
& I needed my fix
After 6 months of withdrawals
I realized I couldn’t do this
I couldn’t wait around twiddling my thumbs
For someone I thought was never gonna come
From someone who said I should just be grateful to have your attention
I was calling out to you,
But you didn’t listen
You went missing
Dropped off the face of the earth
& all I got from you doing that was even more hurt
& instead of even trying to take part of the blame
You put it all on me, so fucking lame
Don’t get me wrong,
I ain’t saying it’s all of your fault
But atleast I opened up to you & told you what I thought; what was in my heart
Like how I missed you
Which went unrequited
A simple “you’ve been on my mind”
Would have made me so delighted
But you let go
& as much as I tried to fight it
I thought it was too late
Cuz we were already divided
You never hit me up
Never said what’s up
So how was I supposed to know
That you even gave a fuck
Fuck all the sentimentals, it was something mental
You said you felt the same thing
just let us go
Bored out of my skull
Lost somewhere in my mind
Anything to hold my interest
Is just something I can’t find
It’s cold and my nose is running
Maybe it’s more of a mild jog
My feet are aching and my body’s tired
All from spending all day at a job
I don’t know what’s worse
Being bored or being broke
It’s bad that I wish I could spend all day surrounded by marijuana smoke?
I just want to relax & feel at ease
I just want to sit & light up like Christmas trees.
You’re as soft and wet
As the gum, that I am chewing.
My fingers slide(ing) deeper
Into the warm moistness that is you.
The pleasure on your face
As you cry out in what sounds like agony,
Fuck. Fuckk. Fuckkk
Is all I hear,
Aside from your heavy breathing.
I retract my two fingers
And as I place them in my mouth
I am reminded
Of Cotton candy,
From the carnival
That I used to anticipate going to.
And now all I anticipate is
Sweet as an apple,
Covered in caramel.
You taste like nothing I’ve ever imagined.
I dive face first
And am welcomed by your waves.
Today is your birthday. I remember last year you spent the night at my house & in the morning I made you Birthday french toast. We had orange juice and talked. I wouldn’t have thought that we wouldn’t be friends now. Or that that was the last time I would see you. I remember they picked you up and you promised to text me. Damn, this sucks. My eyes are tearing as I write you something you’ll most likely never see. I miss you. I miss the great relationship we had. You were one of my bestfriends and then you just dropped out of my life after saying you would keep in touch.
I lost a lot of relationships last year. Yours was the 2nd most hurtful. Like it really fucking sucks that we aren’t friends anymore. I think it hurts so much because I finally called you my bestfriend. I finally realized how much of a friend I had in you. How much I loved hanging out with you. How much I enjoyed your presence. How much I loved being around you. How you inspired me and encouraged me to better myself. How you nurtured my creative side and made me realize that I too am an artist.
You opened me up to the art world. You are so magnificent at it. You truly are amazing. You’re so creative and I loved when you would get excited about something you made and wanted to show me and get my feedback. Even more I loved when I would create something and you would give me back positive feedback. Whenever you told me that you thought something I made was good or dope it would mean so much coming from you. I artistically look up to you. Even to this day. Your creative mind is immaculate. You think of things so out of this world, and then you make them come to life. It leaves me in awe.
But you would often forget about me. And that shit hurt. Like a lot. Remember when we had that convo about how you lose more friends as you get older but we said we would always be friends.. That’s kinda why it hurts so fucking much. 5 years we were friends. I never thought we wouldn’t make it to 6.
You kinda had a habit where you’d blow me off, but it was always fine because you would always spark me up. We would smoke and talk and our ideas would flow. We would always laugh or have really deep convos. Remember the time we made Shepard’s Pie? That was back when I ate meat. I thought we would have more cooking adventures. But it seems that all of our adventures have come to an end.
My cousin told me how you two started talking & for a bit it kinda got my hopes up that maybe you would ask her for my number and text me. But you guys stopped talking and I never really expected a text from you in the first place. I hope your birthday is a good one. Like your 21st, when your dad rented a party bus and we went to New York. Remember when we left the restaurant and got high before the food came? It was so great and fun. Then we went to time square & walked around at 2 in the morning.
I miss our adventures. I miss our friendship. I miss you. I hope you have a great life.
I miss someone I never met
I’ve never seen
I’ve never heard
How can this be?
Years of tears whelling up in my eyes have taught me that no matter how much I say it doesn’t matter that I don’t know you
It matters to me that you’re never around
& most likely you’ll never be around
Often times I feel as if a piece of me is missing
And I realize it is you
The other half from which I came
And every time I cry I feel so lame
I feel so stupid, I feel so dumb
Crying over a man who probably never even batted an eye for me
I rise to find my grinder
I rise and find my soul
Today I choose to be a little kinder
Than I was the day before
each day is a new beginning
to put something to an end
It doesn’t matter how many you have –
If you can’t be your own friend
If you saw me, would you think of her? Would you see her when you looked at me Or would you see the stranger, which I am to you. Would you see yourself, somewhere in my face? Or in my hands, or my hair? Would you regonize your seed? Even though it grew and blossomed long after you planted it? Even though you never once watered it…
Would you look at me and not look twice, as you walked past me, continuing to leave me behind… Or would you take that second look; a furrow in your brow, as you tried to remember where you knew me from, your groin. Would you think to yourself that I look familiar? That I look like sombody that you used to know… Somebody that you once made a new life with, that you let go of never to return again.
Would you see me? Or would you see through me, looking for someone else?
I am like the butterfly,
Flying in the wind.
Against the grain,
Or for better visual
I am majestic,
As I make my way
Forwards and backwards
As I continue on my journey.
Some I will pass by without them noticing me;
For they are too busy in their own world or care not enough to pay attention to their surroundings.
Others will see me & look at me in awe,
Wondering from which I came & where I shall go.
While there will be a few who look at me & hate me,
simply for being a butterfly.
As I was once a caterpillar,
& so I have went through metamorphosis,
I have changed.
I am no longer inching my way through life,
Crawling on my belly
Hungry for something more.
I am, a butterfly.
I am free to fly wherever I so please.
& whether you watch or not,
Be it in awe or jealousy,
I will continue on my journey.
You quenched this thirst I had; for love, affection and attention. You satisfied my need for living water with your ever flow of time, caring and love. It’s not just your sweet words, or your strong actions, it’s just everything about you. It’s the way you smile when you look at me, or say the most perfect things at just the most perfect time. It’s how you read my mind and gently caress my arm mere seconds after I think of how I want you to do just that. The way you say what I feel, the things I only whisper inside my head late at night when all the rest of the world is asleep. How you always hold the door open or stop to tie my shoelaces. It’s the attitude you never give me when I ask you to do something I am more than capable to do but am just being too lazy to do it myself. Never do you scuffle under your breath, or curse my name; or tell me to do it myself. It’s as if you live to please me but not in an overbearing clingy “I need you” sort of way, in a romantic gentlemanly kind of way. It’s more of a “I know that if you’re happy I am happy” kinda thing & we are always happy. Because even when something happens & we are upset we talk about it so there is never miscommunication; unless we’re talking about time, because we’re both always very late regardless. But before you I was parched, cotton mouthed & walking through the Sahara. And now, Now I feel like I am living in Atlantis. A mermaid forever swimming in your ocean of love.
Originally supposed to be published on July 10th 2014 @ 13:58, but I left it in my drafts, lol… if you knew me you’d know that was kinda typical of me. So 10 days later, but still on time. I hope you’ve enjoyed it, please leave comments below regardless of whether or not you did. I am always open to criticism as well as praise.