Angel In Disguise Rising From The Ashes

I was heaven sent
But you wanted to throw me into the pits of hell
Thinking I’d burn
You don’t know me well
I rise, yes.. I rise
Just like the Phoenix

 
You wanted me dead
Dust to dust, ashes to ashes
Not understanding the heat is my thang
I love the hotness, I love the flame
I fly no matter where
I just have to spread my wangs
Because I rise, yes.. I always rise
Just like the Phoenix

 
I watched over you
Or at least I tried
I was your angel,
In disguise
That you despised
Couldn’t understand how I could see you through these eyes
So you disposed
Of me, & got rid
Of me
Trying to burn me alive
Not realizing 

I am a Phoenix

And so I rise, yes, I rise

Filling

When I first met you
I didn’t know what I wanted
And you showed me
What it meant to be loved
To be cared for in ways I’ve never experienced
You were so open with me;
Whether it was you thoughts, your emotions or just perception on life
You were interested in me;
Whether it was my thought process, my ideas, my feelings or random shit that popped through my mind
You loved my words, my lengthy texts, my long explanations
A day wouldn’t go by when you would tell me how much you cared, how I made you feel, a part of the future you saw for us
Now it’s like you give me the shell of that guy
And you expect me to continue to give you flesh & blood.
I can’t live with a shell
I can’t live for a shell
I need all the stuff that comes inside it

Hate The Sin, Not The Sinner

Hating you
& hating the way you make me feel
Are two completely different things
I can’t hate you
No matter how I try
Because I understand you
Or at least feel that I do

I comprehend why you’re not as emotionally inclined as I am
But that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with
Understanding and tolerance are not one in the same
I understand that my mom has chemical imbalances in her brain;
which causes her to act in ways I cannot tolerate
My understanding doesn’t make it any easier to deal with what comes along
It just allows me to see things differently; Allows me to connect in a sense that others cannot.

But I’m tired of holding onto the the story of why you continue to act the way you act knowing the effects it has instead of holding you accountable for the way you treat me
You know better
& I know you know you know better
But I allowed you to be this way
By coddling you
Trying to show you that I understand
Thinking if you understood that I understood we could come to some sort of understanding

But all I’ve gotten is more miscommunication and less effort
Which in turn caused me to put in less effort & added to the miscommunication
We’ve gotten further apart from loving eachother
But I’m not close to hating you
Because hating you and hating the way you make me feel are two completely different things.

I Don’t Want You Comfortable With Me

I want to make you uncomfortable in all the right ways

I want to push you to new heights you never thought were possible

I want to challenge you and the way you view the world, the way you think, the way you interact with people

I want to help you out of your shell, out of your cacoon because I know that you’re a beautiful butterfly who should get to fly & feast on the finest of flowers

I want you to experience life even if it makes you uncomfortable 

& I want to be there to wrap you up in my arms at the end of the day bringing you warmth, love and comfort

Running Home

You took a bat to my heart

And knocked it out the park

Like it was the winning game ball

Never to be seen again

But I searched and I scraped

And salvaged components 

To create

A new one

Stormy nights

I feel it brewing

Deep within

Like a cauldron

Bubbling

It’s hot, it’s hot

It’s so damn hot

I feel it coming

To the top

I feel it bursting

I feel it crash

I feel it’s want to destroy

It’s need to smash

I feel the calm

Before the storm

Something tells me

It won’t be long

Soon enough

Destructions come

And it won’t leave out

Anyone

So get ready

Because there are plenty stormy nights ahead
I hear the thunder

I see the lightening

The whipping winds

To some it’s frightening

But to me

It’s all the same

I want to feel

The FUCKING rain

I want to soak

I want to scream

I want to destroy

Everything

Oh I feel

I feel it coming

The stormy nights are ahead
The water’s thrashing

The trees are swaying

And my heart

It is decaying

The wind is whipping

The sky is crying

And inside

I’m slowly dying

No one hears me

Crying out

The stormy nights

Are almost here
Blackness 

overcast

Like a blur

Of the past

They all think

That it won’t last

But I know

The stormy nights are here 

I Should Be The One Who Doesn’t Care

You hurt my feelings

But you don’t care

No, you don’t care that you hurt me

And yet I still want you near

Even tho you don’t deserve me

Not after you treated me so unfair

How could you say you love me?

When I call you’re not here

You don’t care how you hurt me
Why is it that I want you?

Knowing just how you hurt me

I long to hear your voice saying my name

Even though you are unworthy

When you cause me so much pain

How can you not care that you hurt me?
Say I’m sorry my love

I never meant to make your heart feel pain

The only time your face should be dripping wet

Is when we kiss in the rain

We Both Know

When you lose me
You will feel a pain so deep

it’ll ripple through your being
so intensely
at such an unimaginative magnitude that you will feel it for years to come.

When you lose me
You’ll realize that I was the only one

who could love you in such a way
that you will never be loved again
like a mother, a child, a lover, a bestfriend.

When you lose me
you’ll be oh so sorry

because it will be too late
and you’ll ask for a few more moments of my time
& I’ll let you know that I can’t wait.

Don’t fool yourself kid
We both know that I’m Great
Tony the tiger, frosted flake
I got the greens
I got the cake
I have the open heart
So full of love
& I can mold to fit you perfectly
Hand to glove
You tell me to grow up
But when I do
Tell me
Do you want me to be just like you?
Cuz when I was the old me
It was still shit stew
But you really ain’t like it
When I got brand new
Nah you hated it
When I begin to act like you
So I hope I never grow up
If that’s what I’m going to turn into
Nah I’d rather have my innocences
Seeing through my sweet golden shining heart
Than to be able to have my eyes open
And still be walking blindly through the dark.

You’ll tell me that you love me
& so badly I want to believe you

For your love I hurt myself
I cry tears
I bleed blue

You tell me that you care for me
but you rarely ever show it

if you never show me
that you care about me
then how am I to know it?

How am I to understand
exactly how you feel

when I don’t know what’s going on
you don’t tell me,
keep it real

When you lose me
you will feel it
ripple through your being
for years to come.
When you lose me
you’ll realize that I was the only one
who would love you
in such a way
When you lose me
you’ll be oh so sorry
because it’ll be too late
& I’ll tell you that I can’t wait.
Don’t fool yourself kid
We both know that I’m Great

Always

You’ll always be my love

Even when I don’t want to love you anymore

You’ll always be my baby

Even when you’re too grown for me

Or viceversa

You’ll always have a piece of my heart

No matter how many times you break it

And if anyone was to ask

I always thought we’d make it

But we didn’t

And I’ll always be reminded

That when you see something so beautifully breathtaking don’t pick it

Leave it where you find it

Cuz I’ll always cherish our memories

But I’ll always have to think about you living your life without me

Always seems like such a wonderful thing

When you’re on the other side

But you really feel how long it is

When night falls & you always cry

You’ll always have a piece of my heart

Even if you always break it

& I’ll always keep a smile on my face

Even if I always have to fake it

You’ll always be my love

Even when I don’t want to love you anymore. 

How Can One Win When We Both Lose?

You thought I was fighting for power
When all I wanted was respect
I had already given you my heart
But you seemed to constantly forget
Love ain’t about power, no
It’s about love
But you don’t understand that
So I had to take that dub

Yeah I had to take that L
No marijuana
Told you all I wanted was for you to love me back
But it seems like you just didn’t wanna
You was always short on time for me
Even though you had so much on your hands
How stupid can I be
To still want you to be my man?

They say love can do crazy things
Turn a smart man into a fool
I like to think I’m pretty smart
But I can’t understand why must love be so cruel

Proceed With Caution

I am the orange hand
Blinking
Telling you
To proceed
With caution

I am the yellow light
Gleaming, Brightly
Telling you
To proceed
With caution

You are the jay walker
Not paying me
any attention
You proceed
Without caution

You are the driver
In the sports car
Speeding
Music blaring
Without caution

& all I can do is watch
As you crash into yourself
Causing more pain
Than you could’ve ever imagine
Which all could have been prevented
Had you heeded my warnings
& proceeded with caution

Out To Sea

You fixed me
You broke me
You threw me away
Came back and tried, halfheartedly,
to put the pieces back together
but when it proved to be too difficult
You decided not to stay

You drift in and out of my life
Like the tide crashing on the shore
Coming and taking
Rarely giving more
and I, like the Sand,
in a million difference pieces
can’t seem to move away

Hoping that one day you’ll come and take me with you when you go.

With Or Without Me

I would be lying if I said I want you to be happy even it if you weren’t with me

Because I want you to be happy, don’t get me wrong

I want you to be so happy you don’t know how to contain your joy

And you smile so much your cheeks ache

And your heart bursts from all the happiness it’s overwhelmed with

But not without me

I want you to be sad without me

Hurt and in pain

Sick to your stomach

Can’t think

Can’t breathe

Can’t go on

I want you to be happy, just not without me

And that’s selfish

I know

Oh so selfish of me

And how dare I think this

Feel this

Let alone say this

How dare I not want you to be happy

Either way it goes

With or without me

But I can’t help what I feel

And I guess at the end of the day it all just boils down to

Down to the simple fact that

I just want you to feel how I feel

And that’s selfish because I should want you to be happy either way

With or without me

Still Looking

So confused
Seemingly no where to look up the answers
To the many questions that my mind poses
It is said
And believed to be true
That all the answers to your questions
Is inside of you
But where does one look
When they’ve looked
And they’ve looked
But still cannot find one?