Silent But Deadly

I’m trying to hold on

but you make it so hard

Each time, pushing me further away

& stepping on my fingers as I try to get my grip

It’s like you don’t want me here any more

But you’re so over using words

That you just let your actions speak louder, for you

That way you don’t have to ever say you ever said the things you never did

Because technically you didn’t say them

You just made sure I could feel em.

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Incompatible

We fight

You leave

We fight

And our hearts bleed

Each one hurting more and more

You don’t wannabe around me

Cuz I make you wanna drink

And I feel like I can only stand long amounts of time around you if I got that shit that stank

You Are What You Allow Yourself To Become

You don’t know what a bad guy is until you meet a good guy

And when you meet a good guy you’re already damaged from the bad guy

And the pain makes you..

The pain makes you.

It takes you

And it fucks you up

Always looking for a reason not to trust

Always looking to catch someone in a lie

Always fearful of being hurt again..

The pain becomes you…

And you become the pain

And you live in it

You seek refuge in it

You are twistedly comforted by it

The pain.. makes you feel safe

You’re safe because you know what to expect

You know how it will hurt you

You know your enemy

But the pain makes you feel unsafe

How can you ever be happy?

Who will ever truly love you?

Who can you trust?

When will this agony end?

Overflow

A trail of tears follow me

As a trail of flowers precedes a bride

Slowly yet surely with each stride

Unlike her

I try to hide

This rush of emotions I feel swelling up inside

Two Can Play But Only One Can Win

She said “you’re just like your father, alway running away from your problem.”

He said, “you’re just like your mother, always running towards some.”

Swords were drawn. The only question left to ask was who would make the first strike, land the first blow, draw the first drop of blood.

Intensity thick as smoke after fish-bowling your car filled the air. Her nose flared, his eyebrows raised. And suddenly her angry poker face softened ever so slightly as she let out a curt bout of air from her still flared nose and a gentle mischievous little smirk curled her lips as she laughed a few times.

“Oh..? Is that right?” She asked sarcastically curious.

“Yup!” He exclaimed. His eyes lowering as he became more relaxed, a tight smirk of his own showing up on his face.

And at that her smirk broadened into a smile. A cheshire cat smile so big and wide it seemed to have taken up her entire face. And as he was blinded by the beauty that is her, “I always seem to be running to you” she struck him.

I’m Broken; Searching For Forgiveness

Chasing after you
for the pieces
That you’ve stolen
From my heart
GIVE THEM BACK
I NEED them
I scream & I yell
All to no avail
Because like a thief in the night
You came and swiped
the offering from my alter
Desecrating my temple
Knocking over candles
Which caught fire to the crimson rug
Causing the Saint to turn into a sinner
Shouting in the house of the Lord
I HATE YOU
I HATE YOU
DIE. DIE. DIE!
Exploding like a shaken soda bottle
As shots rang out
& bullets ricochet off the closing metal doors
Piercing my heart
& I call out for help
But nobody can hear over the cackling of the fire
Laughing at me as if to say
“I told you so
Nobody could ever, would ever
Want to
Love you
You fool
Foolish little girl
Thinking hearts are toys
Meant to be shared with everyone
You should have protected yourself
Like me
Too hot to touch, impossible to hold
Never able to be controlled”
& so I wept
Just like they said Jesus did
But my tears were more like Mary’s
Full of remorse, full of sorrow
Searching for forgiveness
For absolution from my sins
My sins of loving you unconditional
Willing to bend and to break for you
Crying for purification
For a clearing
Choking on smoke
As I make my way to a window
Right near the pool pit
And I open it & sit
Asking TMH for forgiveness
As my heart covers my lower body with a crimson rug

You Put The Broken In My Heart

Everything about us just makes me want to cry. 

I feel like for the last 4 years I’ve just been living a lie. 

Were you ever really meant for me or was this always just another lesson? 

I guess I’ll have to wait and see. 

I really thought we’d spend eternity; together forever, you and me. 

But it’s like my favorite song turned into a sad sad symphony because the one who used to adore me no longer remembers how to treat me. 

The clock musta struck 12 & my carriage changed back into a pumpkin, because I can’t understand what happened to your lovin. 

How did we go from everything to nothing? 

You don’t have to respond, I just had to say something.

Pieces of Peace

‪I want peace‬

But all I get is pieces

They say you write a lot

What that is, ya thesis?

Nah it’s what keeps me on track

Cuz my brains always on recess

It’s always running

Like Usain

I gotta let the words out

Just to stay sane

Cuz if not

They clog up my brain

I want peace

But all I get are pieces

Heart shattered like grandma’s heirloom vase

Broken bits all over the place

I hope it’s just a phase

I’m good how are you

That’s my favorite phrase

But no one knows the thoughts

That are rampaging through my brain

No one understands

Just how much I am in pain

Bcuz I don’t ever wanna worry them

All I want is peace

So I just keep picking up the pieces

Directly From The Source

I can see through the cracks

I see through you

I see through the pain

I see through the hurt

The sadness

The anger

The anxiety

I see past the smile

The facade of cheerfulness

You are whole & beautifully made

Even if at this moment you’re a mess

I see your heart

I see your soul

I see all your potential

Stop looking at yourself through their eyes

Look at you through mine

You will see

Oh you will see

Something so divine

Angel In Disguise Rising From The Ashes

I was heaven sent
But you wanted to throw me into the pits of hell
Thinking I’d burn
You don’t know me well
I rise, yes.. I rise
Just like the Phoenix

 
You wanted me dead
Dust to dust, ashes to ashes
Not understanding the heat is my thang
I love the hotness, I love the flame
I fly no matter where
I just have to spread my wangs
Because I rise, yes.. I always rise
Just like the Phoenix

 
I watched over you
Or at least I tried
I was your angel,
In disguise
That you despised
Couldn’t understand how I could see you through these eyes
So you disposed
Of me, & got rid
Of me
Trying to burn me alive
Not realizing 

I am a Phoenix

And so I rise, yes, I rise

Filling

When I first met you
I didn’t know what I wanted
And you showed me
What it meant to be loved
To be cared for in ways I’ve never experienced
You were so open with me;
Whether it was you thoughts, your emotions or just perception on life
You were interested in me;
Whether it was my thought process, my ideas, my feelings or random shit that popped through my mind
You loved my words, my lengthy texts, my long explanations
A day wouldn’t go by when you would tell me how much you cared, how I made you feel, a part of the future you saw for us
Now it’s like you give me the shell of that guy
And you expect me to continue to give you flesh & blood.
I can’t live with a shell
I can’t live for a shell
I need all the stuff that comes inside it

Hate The Sin, Not The Sinner

Hating you
& hating the way you make me feel
Are two completely different things
I can’t hate you
No matter how I try
Because I understand you
Or at least feel that I do

I comprehend why you’re not as emotionally inclined as I am
But that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with
Understanding and tolerance are not one in the same
I understand that my mom has chemical imbalances in her brain;
which causes her to act in ways I cannot tolerate
My understanding doesn’t make it any easier to deal with what comes along
It just allows me to see things differently; Allows me to connect in a sense that others cannot.

But I’m tired of holding onto the the story of why you continue to act the way you act knowing the effects it has instead of holding you accountable for the way you treat me
You know better
& I know you know you know better
But I allowed you to be this way
By coddling you
Trying to show you that I understand
Thinking if you understood that I understood we could come to some sort of understanding

But all I’ve gotten is more miscommunication and less effort
Which in turn caused me to put in less effort & added to the miscommunication
We’ve gotten further apart from loving eachother
But I’m not close to hating you
Because hating you and hating the way you make me feel are two completely different things.